The Words that Built Me 1/11/2020
The words of my father rang out loud between clenched teeth. “Your going to fail! You hear me? Your going to fail.” In mere minutes the word “fail” seemed to be the only theme. His words were laced with venom, and I immediately nodded, quietly on the other end of the phone, as though accepting his statements as truth. I should have expected it, anything else would have been –promising –maybe even hopeful. As I hung up the phone, I was hit with the reminder of all his words that defined me as such. A failure, a loser, a devil, a liar, and yet, I still fought. I fought to make each false, I fought to win the battle waging in my mind. I fought against the words that built me.
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”. A phrase that has been told for years and yet, remains as a constant teacher of false expectations and ideologies. The switches that swung swiftly, bent without mercy across my flesh and the pain was brutal, yet forgettable –in time. The words that brutalized my young mind, would be the deepest wound. Yet, time was not a healer for the malice laced “words of wisdom” that took root from seeds planted in the mind of a young girl. Healing would prove to be a lifelong battle to overcome the words that haunted my future. The fear of each becoming a reality was the ever-evolving nightmare and the anxiety behind every change in my life. What if I fail? What if it’s true? What if I cannot stop the cycle, because I was simply the deep-rooted point where it all began?
As I put to paper the words of my life, I understand the influence of words spoken and the offspring of its frailties long after the words were articulated. Proverbs 12:18 NIV The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
I was pierced by the sword and from the manipulative and corrupt words of anger and resentment, yet one lesson has proved to be the most powerful in transforming my shame and blame to a story of redemption and life change. Silence is a conductor of peace, a strength for the wise, and a beacon for those seeking refuge without fault. Why silence? It is better to be quiet and give peace resolution than to speak with anger and defeat one’s spirit. Proverbs 15:4 The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.
The process to make false all that I was made to believe, may never rest. There will always be a person, phrase, or feeling that serves as a reminder of where I was. Where not Who. I was never that person, I was where I should have never been. At the mercy of my father, who gave no mercy, who never minced words and used words to build a home of shame and guilt to feel empowered himself. Albeit, the lessons I’ve learned have been invaluable and are daily reminders of who not to become.
As a mother I seek to build up my children to show beauty, kindness, forgiveness, and above all else undying love. As a wife, I encourage, respect, honor, love and yes even obey, because these are the fruits of love and anything different would be an injustice to God and my family. The effects of the tongue are often lasting in both positive and negative. It can heal or be hurtful, it can minister or be poison. Be encouraged today, to be mindful of your words; someone’s life may the sculpture that you build. Build hope. Build love, Build God.
I still have moments where I fail, but I am not a failure. I still have days when the devil is fighting me, but I am not a devil. I don’t always win, but I am not a loser, I may grow weary, but I will never quit, and above all else, the devil is a liar.
Ephesians 4:29
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.