As I write my life scripts for all to see, I am often reminded of my failures, and inadequacies. Often my failures were birthed out of naïve decisions not knowing or having the understanding to take other paths. I struggle when others have testimonies where there were no main struggles or indifference in their lives. But what if your raising did not grant you that awareness to understand the knowledge needed to survive without fault. What if your known abilities were stunted and it delayed the possibilities that could have been? Delay is better than cancelled. Delay is often the blessing.
Recently I was reminded of the disciples and the beloved Simon Peter otherwise known as Peter. With debt hanging on his shoulders and no fish in the net, Peter was about to succumb to his egregious debt. The Lord gave instruction and Peter obliged with uncertainty. Doubting as most do, he pulled on the net and then the most marvelous thing happened. The net pulled on him. The miracle of fish was plentiful even in his moment of doubt filling not one, but two boats and delivering Peter from his debt and his doubt. Peter cried out in despair “Depart from me for I am a sinful man.” –Yet despite all the failures, mistakes, and doubts -Jesus said follow me and I will make you fishers of men.
As a child I learned from my mother how to love God through good times and worse times. I learned how to bend a knee and ask for grace. When screams of terror were loud with rage and tiny bodies were hurt and torn, my mother loved God. I watched my mother pray for many, and then pray for her deliverance. I saw how to love God. In the storm of my young and troubled marriage, I joined the church where my mother-in-law played piano. Connie, a Christian woman above all else, taught me lessons in compassion that were beyond anything I could have hoped to experience. I fought for approval in every aspect. I needed approval, yet I had so many problems. I was emotionally troubled, physically scarred, and yet still trying to survive. Surviving for me at that moment was so many things, but less of the mechanisms known for living. It was not breathing or eating. Rather it was learning how to handle the razor-sharp memories that seem to cut endlessly. My past was locked in a never-ending replay of memories that could not be silenced. I could not yet identify with the abuse or its affects and therefore could not begin to move forward. I was now my worst enemy. Talking to people was difficult, yet it was easy with Connie. I was ashamed of myself and yet, she made me feel welcome. I judged all my actions and yet through her there was no judgment. Through her I experienced a new value in God’s love. Through Connie, I began to understand his love for us. The messages preached sang a new tune. God has for his children, unsurmountable compassion. From strangers who gave without hesitation, to Connie who sewed so many seeds of kindness, it should be known that years later, its effects are lasting. It is in this that I saw how God loves us!
Often people are quick to judge, but remember Jesus, when given the chance was never the one throwing stones. He healed the sick, gave eyes to a blind man, and forgave all sins not with arrogance, but with compassion. Humbly I remind each of you, we are all sinners, we have all made mistakes, but God’s love for you is stronger. For me I often find that despite knowing God has forgiven me, I still have trouble forgiving myself. But then I am reminded that his grace is sufficient for me and I need to LET IT GO. Let it go!
Lamentations 3:22-23
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed. For his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.